Yeah, But Dad...?!?

The day of seeing

2011-10-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

Can you start over again at 38? I'll be turning another year older this coming June and I'm not really sure where I'm at in life. I start and stop again. I think and ignore. Fall into familiar traps without fighting. It is easier that way. But in truth, it is harder to stay stuck. It is depressing to sit here and look at the same life, over and over again. This isn't true though. I've narrowed my possible recessions down to a couple things. That I'm trapped. Trapped by my excessive thoughts. "Oh, I want to be a writer! Oh, I want to be a basketball coach! Oh, I want to travel and explore! Oh, I want to be a small business owner!" All these things are ideas and don't put me in touch with what I really need to do...namely, go forward. I get distracted by thoughts. I am easily swayed or pulled away from and idea and loose focus. But that focus was weak to begin with. I've jumped and bobbed around these last few years and not focused on what I really need to get done.

2011-09-22T17:05:00.001-05:00

The summer has passed and there is a chill in the air. School is nearly one month in and I'm always surprised at the quick passage of time. Today was uneventful. I worked on some copy-writing exercises and skimmed through some resume and job work boards today. Quiet.
But it is good to have the quiet at home. While the kids are a couple blocks away at school, it gives me time to consider, meditate and just think about where I'm at and where I need to go. Writing is where I want to be. But my thinking self has other plans. It would rather focus on the negative. Remind me of my shortcomings. And generally sabatoge any plans or dreams that I have. It isn't easy to overcome them. Why do I sabatoge myself with negative thoughts? Is it a fear of failure? Or a laziness? I think it is a fear. A fear of reaching out and trying something new. I'm not scared of work.

Door County and First Day of School

2011-09-01T10:23:00.001-05:00

One son was worried, nervous and a bit cranky. The other one was smiling, laughing, talkative and ready to roll. It was the first day of school for our house. My boys are going into 3rd and 1st grade. They both have the same teachers and classrooms, so that should buffer the stress for them. But starting a new school year is a positive. Their brains are squriming for some structure and learning.

We have had a busy summer here. Three trips to Michigan. A couple to Indiana. Two camping trips. Even so, they get a lot of time to play and explore and do their things. I cannot make these children follow some lame, vauge format for learning in the house. The house is there home. We practice, play and hang out here. I'm not going to turn this into some stressful environment.

The week has been relaxing. Good weather and for the most part the boys have been on good behavior. The past weekend we went to Peninsula State Park in Door County Wisconsin. It was amazing. the fishing sucked, but

Balancing with Anger

2011-08-24T17:29:00.001-05:00

I've been an angry dad today. Well...not out of control angry, but just fed up with no listening and fighting and general rudeness. Boys are hard. I was a boy. Ask me, I know.

I remember my oldest brother coming out to the car on a Sunday morning for church wearing his Boston t-shirt. My Dad said, "Go change." My brother said no. After which my Dad dragged my brother to the garage and commenced to throttle him as the garage door was going down. This game of family and reality really sunk in deep that day. I never intentionally crossed my father. Never had the will to.

It is tough to watch yourself. When you can step back from the anger and just see it rising up inside of you. Like a tide of water. I'm trying to step back then, but I get so caught up in the story-line. The words and exchange. It draws me in with details (like messy rooms or arguments or back talk) and causes me to get angry and irritated.

I suppose some parents of older, responsible kids would have some good advice for me. But I sense my balance is going to have to get much better. Like a tightrope walker heading out over the cliff of young adults and (gulp!) teenagedom, I got to get better on knowing when to just let go of the story-line...and when to stay with my intention and arguement. Raising responsible and kind children isn't someting that happens by itself. It is hard work. To stay consistent and understand what parents are aiming for.

I have a hard time getting out of the story. The problem. I get drawn in. But I think a good practice for me is to understand, or envision what kind of kids I want them to grow up to be. I think kindness would be a first requirement. Intellegence and a budding wisdom would be a good follow up. And a source of responsibility, knowing that the world isn't fair, but that it is beautiful and we can use it to grow and help others.

With this in mind, I'd like to get my kids and my family to volunteer more. Perhaps once a month to start? Just aim to help some organization out and let my kids know what it feels like to give. To get is good, but to give is greatest.

I'll work on my anger by employing a balance between correct behavior, and allowing them to make their own mistakes. And more to the moment, I'll use an awareness and watching of my interior to not get caught up in the story or plot of the now. Just to let it be.

Much love to all parents out there struggling and learning, living and growing.

2011-08-19T09:29:00.001-05:00

I'm a fantasticly negative bitch when I want to be. Downright mean and nasty, bitchy whinny to the point I wonder if I'm acting the child or my children are? To leave me alone is usually a good thing.

On the Road

2011-08-12T17:11:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhh....! Do you hear that? Just silence. Wonderful peaceful silence.

My wife took the two boys to Michigan for a long weekend. They just left. Pulled out of the driveway. Funny how aggravated and upset I was with them a couple times this week and when they go to leave I feel all fuzzy inside. Parenthood wasn't what I thought it was. The caring and concern never stops. Like a lump of dough in the bottom of my gut. I don't know if I should be happy about it, or curse it? In any case, I do love those kids. And I love my wife dearly for giving me 4 days of space. Wonderful, relaxing space.

Speaking of guts, I've gone all day on juice. It is 5pm and my stomach is growling and cursing and generally pissed off. I feel grumpy and tired a little. I only ate a couple things yesterday too. Just trying to clean up my diet a bit. But fasting on juice is good. Harder than I would have thought, cause I'm addicted to that feeling of being full. Anyway. I'm aiming to do it for another day. But I think I might like to do a ten day fast next week sometime and see how I really do. I got my new juicer yesterday and am very happy with it.

But now I'm going to lay on the couch and just bask in the silence. Good day to you and yours.

Being Just a Dad

2011-08-02T08:52:00.000-05:00

I've been a stay at home father for the past few years. My boys are 6 and 8 now and there is a big sense of guilt, a heavy weight of hormonal testosterone that leaks all over my shoes and hands. "I should be providing for this family. But you're not, are you?"

I've faced this head on in the past and just ignored it. I've drowned it in beer, music, rumbling through this city trying to drive away and run away from being a father. But I always come back to it. This family IS my life, my life's work, right now. In this moment. But that doesn't make it easy. As I say to my boys when they are frustrated tying their shoes, or trying to beat that last level on Mario Brothers....'nothing worth having ever came easy.' Seems I need to remember my own advice more?

Which brings up a topic. Am I the only one to notice that when I scold my children for something, it is as if a mirror is being thrown up and it is pushed right into my face. You act the same way. Example: Oldest child, running around the house, being loud, obnoxious and crazy. I scold him, tell him to get outside. Then when the kids go to bed I go downstairs to plug in my bass guitar and thump and jump around my room. "Hey! Don't pick your nose!" Then when I'm driving I notice that annoying booger in my nose and start poking at it to flick out the window. Busted again.

Perhaps this awareness of my own shortcomings is a lesson parenthood is teaching me? Maybe it is just a life lesson that comes with kids and without. In any case, I'm noticing it more and more. But one thing is for sure, I still have a lot to learn from my kids. And they teach me so much everyday. Not that I really want to learn that day, but all the same this is the path that I've been traveling down. And I will aim to cherish every moment I have with them.